Rough [un-text-stylised] version of a new poem.
Thoughts of Melbourne, futures, truths, and knowing myself.
With love. xx


To feel a world inside piano notes playing,
Sitting on your lap on the tram into the city,
And thinking,

What if I hadn’t done this?
What if I had stayed?
I can’t predict my temperament,
My choices from day to day,
Though you smile and I feel,
What am I doing here when you’ll soon be so far away?

I dance along the street to Placebo,
And find myself laughing,
For all of the things that have happened so far
Are so bewildering, yet calming, to me.
I am here,
And stuck,
And free
And running over and over the things in my head
These decisions.

I had made movies all in my mind,
Love scenes and hair-raging winds,
Epic corridors of blue
And eyes that feel each others truth.

God, if I could make those real with you I’d die right now,
I’d spread my arms and take flight down the street, singing
IF ever a girl I could be, it was me
It’s why I chose to fall onto this place
Where I am bounded by gravity
And I would be glad that I don’t float off into the oblivion
When my arms wrap around you.

I have strange feelings and thoughts,
And bizarre crazy patterns, I know
It can be hard to keep up with the cheeky chaos that I conceive.

But I have these dreams.
And I am straining and laughing and tugging and striving
To make them a very real reality.
I can only begin to put myself in my elders shoes
To feel them walking amongst a world
Both shaped and inspired by me.
And right now, that’s letting me constantly breathe.

Blood pumping that we all share
You say it’s only objective air
And I have to walk beside you
Hands held tight
And do my best to not convince you
That I, and all of my counterparts,
Are not blank bullets in some playgun.
---that we ARE making an impact,
Exploding perspectives
Engulfing this planet like it were a snack
To nibble on gradually
And fulfill these strange self-made prophecies without return.

I must change this.
For so many reasons;
We are perfect,
And effortless, and growing
And I still feel my blood pulse through me
In times when we make love.
I must support these dreams, these truths
Forever locked into my ever-changing essence.
My matter seems to lighten when I do,
So follow I will and hope that you’ll stay,
That be part of this too, you may…

The more I say it, the more I know it.
I am my own messiah.
And I truly am free to be the very best version of me.

"Take away all the lonely moments, give me full communication with you..."

Journal 30 - The Melbourne Chronicles
Day 2
3:43pm
Tuesday
9-09-2008

" 'and I built a home,
for you...for me...
until we dissapeared...

...and now it's time to leave again...'

[I'm not sure those lyrics are entirely accurate, just for the record. ]

Today is a bit melancholic for me. I've been so docile, and pensive. Thinking about life, the meaning, and everything, so to speak.

'I climbed a tree to see the world.'

Sometimes I feel so silly, I chose to come here, to make an extended life for myself, and I don't feel I've really made much progress at all. All I know is that my happiest memories, my most precious moments, are in Sydney. Where my heart is. I came here and I near destroyed myself, my hopes and dreams. Maybe I wasn't strong enough, *blinks tears away to write clearly* I feel like I'm quitting so much! ...But you know, I think, when it comes down to it, I'll be happier in Sydney. Happier with the people I love. Happier, with my connections. Sydney is my heaven on earth, the place where all of the people who I love are, bar a couple, of course. Such as Lane and Natalie Smith and even Jase, Linsie & Katie, Alex & Miles... all of these beautiful souls so far away...

What did I really draw to myself by coming here? I found out things that I never intended to know... Y'know, maybe I did find out something very valuable--- that human love is the most precious and important love for any living thing to recieve. All of my friends, there love literally keeps my soul alive. And I guess it's kind of funny that it took me moving all the way to a city, away from all of these precious people, to discover that. I know now where I feel I belong. I know now where my most beautiful version lies. It lies not just in my dreams, but in the love, care, and support of the people who surround and are there for me. You have always been there for me, and I am telling you now with all of what makes up me that I am alive because you chose to believe in me, too. You chose to invision me for the greatest version I was, and gave me your strength unconditionally. Well, maybe I am weak, but I know I want to be back there with all of you. Maybe I shouldn't be so afraid of this lengthy separation--- it's really not that long in comparison. But my heart needs your love more than its ever been able to confess up 'til now, and has become smaller without anyone to give its love to. I really understand the importance of learning interdependency.

Well, I feel that's all for now.

I have never felt so low in my integrity account as I do now.

I wish that one day I could be the hero for you and me that I dream to be.


~ With love, always,

Sarah Jennifer
xoxo

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."
-- George Bernard Shaw

I think I'm so used to starting off these entry's with the similar stuff I've written before--- just constantly refreshing my memory of how everything is so different yet so the same. Well. I don't feel like doing that right now.

This has been the most hectic, adventurous, neurotic, incredible, etc, etc, etc time. Okay, I certainly HAVE said that before, but for goodness sake it's lasted a long time! Or perhaps it just feels that way.

Y'know, I don't think it's a matter of which path I'm taking very much anymore; I think it's got a lot more to do with the place I'm headed. And I know direction is important for that, it's just that that's where I've always had my issues--- I've always been so indecisive about how I'm going to get where I want to be; it's been SO broad, and it's been like that since I was yey high *indicates with hand measuring close to ground*. I've wanted to be an actress to a filmer and director, to a drawer and painter, to a photographer, to a graphic designer, to a teacher, a hand model, a writer, and etc etc etc. I've wanted to stay at Uni and I've wanted to drop out. I mean, 'actress', 'writer' and 'artist' may seem like end goals, but are they really? Aren't they just ways that I can shape myself, or other paths that I can choose to be where I really want to be? I really want to be in the most constant happiness available for someone on this planet, and I know these are really all ways of serving that purpose.

I guess it's about being decisive about the path to take and the ways to express it. *sigh* Jeeze. Y'know. It's when I get wrapped up in my own head and my own "Oh-god-where-am-I-going-and-who-am-I-affecting-and-why-isn't-this-working" mental pattern that I just forget to do what it is that DOES make me happy, and DOES serve my purpose. And I do want to serve that purpose...

Do I really have the strength and the courage to become a servant to my cause to help the world? Right now I know I'm selfish, and I know it's what's holding me back. But then again, I just can't always seem to find the balance. Between little things, even, like what food is healthy and what isn't, and if I really 'need' that Amethyst cave or not. Does it really come down to doing what makes me feel good?

I reckon it does. I tend to always do things that don't make me feel good. I mean, for some bizarre reason, I think they do initially, and they I just get all ... ugh. I do some weed thinking (for some bizarre reason, even though it's been proved contrary to me many other times) that I'll have a good time, and 9 times out of 10 I'll end up becoming incredibly paranoid, even of my own family who I love and trust immesurably, and I'll just feel like I'm 'growing old'. I have alcohol, and I don't even like the tipsy effect anymore. I think I spend more time CONVINCING myself that I do than really actually stopping and registering what's going on. Maybe it's a coping mechanism for doing what I'm doing at the time. But I know, I do know. I have no idea why I haven't been able to completely break the habit yet--- maybe I haven't yet completely accepted that I have been addicted to both of them before. Maybe it's the same with all of my 'bad habits'. Some kind of quick-fix, urgency addiction I've got going on. But why? =S I just don't understand. Sometimes I can think so much more clearly than that. But so much of the time I just don't seem to. It's about right actions too, Sarah. Right action is important.

I really do need to get to the core of this. YES, it's a need of mine. I want to discover the true principles of this world, and then align my values towards them, so that I find it far more easy to live for them than living for whatever other paradigms are ruling my head right now.

That'll do, I'd better head off to work now--- Walkers Doughnuts!
And see? Even there, I don't feel as though selling doughnuts to individuals and society is a healthy, forward, progressive notion for our development. That may sound silly and small, but maybe there really ARE no small things. It's just how we 'rate' them. I reckon everything is a big thing, if it impacts people in some way or another.

Right, heading off.

Lots of love, yet again, and always so, to all of you in existance here with me.

I love you. <3

~ Sarah

-- quote modified from Blake Arius xx

It's funny how easy it is. All I had to do to be creative was, to, well, be creative. Funny that, indeed.
"Easier said than done"... not... true! I know we are all capable of DOING, it's just laziness that stops us. The doing itself isn't hard to me, it's the starting. Big difference. Why have I believed that for so long? ...Have I? *frowns*

Well, I know I'm enjoying this. That's what matters. That's what matters...

Love,

~ Sarah

I have a lot to talk about.

For one, I've figured out a dandy plan that if I get two of my assessments done by Monday (pretending that one of them is due a week early) then I get -3- weeks of creative activity before my exams. Worth putting all aside to do that now? Definitely.

Two. I'm getting much better at pool. It's fantastic, I love the game. It's a more constant thing to get at least three shots pocketed in a row during one game. Woo! Still got a lot of learning to do--- my -patience- is the real thing I'm focusing on improving with that game.

Three. Creative activities! I know my photo's have been minimal (and my creative activity in general) lately, however, I want you all to know that good and wonderful things are on their way, and that is all for now. No more of me speaking of shaving my hair, and then not going through with it. No more me speaking of wonderful creative projects that seem to just get put on hold, or not heard of again. I do have them all in my mind still. It's just a matter of practical application. Tangibility. You understand. *thumbs up*

So, now for a bit of a rant on how I am right now. *grins* Ahhh I do love these things. Well, there's been a lot going through my head lately, and I have been doing my best to be strong about the choices that lie up ahead that will affect me and others greatly, I'm sure. In recent events, life with my Aunt has been pretty dandy. I'm really enjoying my work at the coffee and doughnut shop on Flinders St *giggles*, it can be busy but they're always playing this oldies swing music which is fun to dance to in little bursts.

You get the most interesting people that come into the store, too. There's always this same old guy who always gives us a dollar for a bread roll--- you can tell he's homeless, and he's such a bizarre, oblivious character to the world, really. When I say he can have a bread roll for a dollar (which is how much they are), he always asks with about 10 times more enthusiasm straight afterwards "Can I have two???".

*chuckles, ahhh* I've been making a fair few friends that I feel closer to now, finally. Like -genuinely- closer to. We all tend to hang out at the Eagle Bar playing pool, eating wedges and chips and the works and just enjoying our time. It's great going there, walking into the pool corner, and there's the usual gang just hanging there either quietly observing the shot being taken or all heatedly debating the meaning of life or something else or just all laughing or what not. There's always something interesting happening there. And classes of course are lots of fun. I do love my course, but I'm contemplating transferring to fine arts at the end of the year--- we'll have to see how things go, really. I'm all over the place about it.

It's funny, that, having my head so undecisive about where I want to be at Uni. I think that's because I'm so undecided about whether or not Uni is the right place for me to be at all. I'm undecisive about a lot lately, probably more than I'd like, except for one thing. Where I'm headed creatively. I've dulled it down a bit, though. I've discovered my ultimate happiness doesn't rely on being world-known this lifetime. I don't even thing I'm maturely ready enough for that, the way I've been so -aggressively- determined to get there. I understand now that just to be inpspiring, healthy, wealthy, loving and loved will do it for me. I know that's very attainable. So, Sarah, let's do this.

Alright wonderfuls. Thank you for listening, and loving, and the works. I hope your dreams are unfolding as you'd like them to.

All my love,

~ Sarah Jennifer Dute
xoxo